1. I am scared that I won't get a job. I haven't had a full-time job in two years now. I haven't had a decent-paying job in two years. I'm surviving on savings, government help that I'm only getting because my kids are both under 18, and the help of family (and not very nice family, not family that I want to be beholden to). I'm old. Age discrimination is technically illegal in this country, but it's obvious, it happens all the time. And the government doesn't give a rat's ass about it. Hey, the government doesn't give a rat's ass about any unemployed people. -- About any people in need for that matter, except if they can get donors to give them more by protecting them. -- Why would they single out the old unemployed to care about, when they don't care about any of the others. So yeah, I am very, very scared that I'll never get another decent job again.
2. I am scared that I'll get the wrong job. I'm applying all over, right? Because that's what you're supposed to do. In America, it doesn't make sense to pick and choose about where you would like to work. You've got to go where the jobs are, and right now, that isn't Fresno. But now I'm starting to get a few interviews outside the area, and it's making me seriously consider: What if I get the wrong job? What if I get a job that doesn't pay enough to live on? What if I get one that's far away, and we have to move, and ...Well, and we have to move someplace where I can't afford to live on what they're paying me, so I guess it still comes down to the same problem: Going where the jobs are is great and all, but only if you can afford to live there.
3. I am scared that I'm not the kind of person people hire. I know it doesn't fit with the other things I said, but it's true. I can dress up to look like I'm going to an interview, I can practice saying all the things a person is supposed to say at one, but somehow I never feel like it quite works. I don't know exactly, maybe I feel like I'm giving off the wrong vibes, or like I look wrong. Maybe it's just me, I usually feel like I'm not satisfying my employers either, even when I'm doing the level best I can at a job.
4. I'm scared about the future. I don't see any chance that I'll find a job in Fresno, but now that we've been here almost 10 years, my kids have set down roots here. They will hate it if we have to move. They'll be unhappy. Plus it will be hard to pack up all our crap. Plus how much money can I take away from the house, when the real estate market is in the toilet, and my dad is the real owner of it anyway?
Speaking of my dad, I really effin' want to kill him now, for some things he said to my sister. But I'm not going to talk about that here. Maybe in another blog post, provided I want to talk about that stuff at all.
HyperSmash
*superhugs* I know how it feels dear, I'm feeling scared about my job/future as well, only I have the big advantage that I have government support. How cruel is it that we both want to work so badly, without demanding huge salaries or all kinds of outrageous benefits, and that we're good, dedicated workers, and that we get nothing in return? It makes us feel sad and angry and scared, that's what. *snuggles* Keep up the good hope, dear.
ReplyDeleteand yay, at least when I comment, my kitty icon shows up! *dork*
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