Hell

Following rules is not a problem. Sometimes it's hard to know what they all are, but once you find out, well you just follow them, and then you're okay. Where it starts to be a problem though, is that you don't get saved by just following rules. Jesus said God isn't impressed by outward show. He cares about what's in your heart. And once I start to really think about it, I realize that what's in my heart isn't what God wants to be there.

See, you're supposed to love God. You're supposed to love him more than food, or drink, or mother, or father. I don't. I can touch food and taste it. I can see my mother and father. I can't touch God, or see him. God is a spirit, who never had a form. Even Jesus is really a spirit, because before he came to earth he was a spirit with God in Heaven, and after he went back to Heaven, he because a spirit again. This is a pity, because Jesus comes the closest to being loveable of any part of God. Now instead, all I have is this spirit, who's got a lot of rules, and he's going to be angry if I don't follow them.

You're supposed to want to spend time with God more than you want everything. That means being happy about going to church, or praying, or reading the Bible. I'm not. Going to church is boring. The prayers are long, and the sermons are even longer. I like going to Sunday School all right, but that is because I see my friends there. I make them laugh by writing new, funny words for all the songs we sing, and we sit at the back of the room during the lesson and write notes to each other all hour long. But I don't like church. I also don't like praying, because I always run out of things to say after about two minutes. You're supposed to remember the bad things you did during the day and ask for forgiveness for them, but I can never remember all of them. Plus the things I did never seem as bad as the things other people did to me. – This is because of my sin-nature, I know. If I were a real Christian, I'd see things God's way, where even the littlest sin is as crimson as blood. – I also don't like reading the Bible, where for every one page of interesting story, there are about ten more full of begat's, or a lot of rules that don't even apply any more, because we're under a new dispensation. I'm not happy when it comes time to pray, or go to church, or read the Bible. This is one more way I know I'm not really saved.

You have to be saved or you'll go to Hell when you die. I am very scared of Hell, which is a terrible place that's full of torments that are a thousand times worse in reality than they are in any description. I will be away from my family and friends. I will never get to sing God's praises with all the saints (this part, secretly, does not bother me very much; singing praises with all the saints just sounds like a church service that goes on forever.). I will have to spend eternity with a lot of terrible people like Hitler and Charles Manson, instead of with good people like Abraham Lincoln. The thing is though, God's not going to save you because you're scared of Hell. Asking Jesus into your heart for an unworthy reason like that is called “fire insurance”, and it's not going to get you saved.

So I am not saved. My heart is wrong, and I'm not saved, and I'm going to go to Hell when I die. I am very ashamed of what a horrible person I am. I try to keep it secret for a very long time. I obey all God's rules and all my parents'. I participate in discussions in Sunday School, and I try to say the things a saved person would say. I take communion in church, even though the pastor gets up every month and says that if you take it and your heart is wrong, you're eating and drinking judgment on yourself. Eternal judgment is a long way away, but my mom and a lot of other people I know are sitting right there in the pews near me. They'd see if I didn't take communion, and they'd know they were sitting next to a hellbound sinner.

On my own, I try to change my heart. I go back and re-read the Chronicles of Narnia, because I know Aslan is supposed to really be Jesus. I read all the other stories about God and Jesus that I can find. It is ...not very effective. Fictional-God, or Jesus, is always very kind and loveable and makes me feel very happy. But I am not a child. I know the difference between reality and fiction. I finish the books and put them down, and I know I feel the same way about real-God as ever.

Finally when I am in the Eleventh Grade, I find someone I trust to help me. He and his wife are the leaders of the church's Youth Group, and I like him because he's honest with us. He doesn't just go on and on about what we're supposed to do. He talks about his own life, and he tells us about the times when it's hard for him to serve God. I go to him and I tell him how I feel that I don't love God. I tell him how scary that is, and how I want to do whatever I have to, so I will be saved. He tells me that if I try hard enough, God will give me the love I am looking for. He says I have to read the Bible every day. I have to start with the Gospel of John, which is full of good reasons to love God, and after that I should probably read the Book of Corinthians, which tells lots about what love is, and what it makes you do.

I go home, and I do just what my Youth Group leader says. I read the Gospel of John, one chapter a day. Then when I finish, I read the Book of Corinthians. I pray every night, and if I don't remember everything bad I've done that day, I at least ask for forgiveness for all the ones I do remember. I follow all God's laws twice as hard, and when I go to church I try to really listen for a change, instead of writing new funny lyrics for the hymns and giggling about the sexy parts in the Song of Solomon. When they serve communion at church, I confess whatever sins I've done since the last time I prayed. Then I take it with a (mostly) clean conscience. I am not afraid (much) that I am eating and drinking judgment on myself.

I believe my heart will change if I keep doing what my Youth Group leader said to do, but whenever I check back to see if it has done, it hasn't. It is still very easy to love fictional-God, and very hard to even conceptualize real-God. It is still very hard to feel interested at church, or think of anything for me to pray about. I wonder sometimes if I'm saved or not. Is it okay that I'm trying to love God, or will I only be saved once I actually love him? Sometimes I am awake in bed at night and I hear an airplane go by overhead. I think about the Soviet Union, which is just waiting for the chance to come and drop a bomb on us (I know because Mama and Daddy say so, and so do their National Review magazines). What if tonight's the night that they do it? What if I never get a chance to keep going until I love God? Will I go to Heaven? I don't think so. I think I will probably go to Hell.