One time when I was like 13, my Grandma Johnson took me aside and told me I’d never get a man if I didn’t get rid of my pot-belly. She said that’s what her parents told her, and then she did get rid of it, and after that she got a really good husband. I don’t know what Grandma means about the pot-belly. -- Maybe she means I’m fat? Because she’s kind of fat too, so apparently her “pot-belly” came back. Does she mean I need to stand up straighter? Mama and Daddy are on me about that all the time, and I just hate it, because I already stand up as straight as I know how. -- But I have no doubts what Grandma means about getting a man. And even though I don’t really care if I ever get married, I understand perfectly well that I am a failure as a woman if guys don’t want to go out with me.
Any guy is better than no guy, that’s the first rule. That’s why about halfway through my Senior year, when this strange older guy that dropped out of school a couple years before, asks me to go out, right away I say yes. We don’t have much in common. He likes drawing pictures of beautiful girls and listening to hard rock. I like studying, and reading, and listening to show tunes. He wants to talk for hours and hours about how much he loves me, and what a beautiful thing our relationship is, and how it will save him and stuff. I like spending my nights the way I always spend them, reading, or drawing, or maybe watching TV with my family. But he asks me out, and it’s the first time anyone’s ever asked me out. He calls himself my “boyfriend”, and now I don’t have to feel like such a loser around the other girls any more, because I have a boyfriend too. Later on that summer, he goes to jail (although he swears all the time that he’s innocent). He writes me long letters full of how much he loves me, and how he can hardly wait until we’re together again. I sort of promise that I’ll marry him when he gets out. And oh, how relieved I am when the date he was getting out comes and goes by, and I never hear from him again, and I don’t have to go through with my promise!
After that, there are no guys in my life for a couple of years. It’s the fall of my second year at college before anyone asks me out again. I just came back from being a Baptist Summer Missionary, and it feels like I was doing nothing but eating all summer long. I’m like 10 pounds heavier than I normally am, and I was fat to begin with. This Saudi exchange student sees me and he asks me to go out on a date. I never even think of saying no, even though I’ve never met him before, and he kind of smells like old sweat. When he picks me up,, we go straight back to his apartment. He gives me a Penthouse magazine turned to a naked picture and then takes his big penis out and says he wants me to touch it. I don’t know what else to do, so I do. It is squashy and hot-feeling. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do next. He asks me don’t I feel excited? I don’t, so I say, “no.” After a while he takes me home. In the car, he tells me he would never date a girl as fat as I am. I don’t know what to say, so I tell him I am planning on losing weight. I am very relieved when I don’t hear from him again. And later I tell a friend of mine about what happened. She looks at me like I’m from another planet when I say I didn’t feel excited at seeing his naked penis. I think there must be something wrong with me.
The next year, I have only one sexual encounter. I am waiting at the bus stop when this guy sits down next to me. He smells horribly of alcohol, and immediately he starts talking to me. He tells me I’m beautiful, and that I make him hot. He says he wants to kiss me, and I let him. I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to do. Then my bus comes. I’m hoping he won’t get on it, but he does, and sits down next to me again. Then he takes out his penis and shows it to me. I am horribly creeped out. I don’t want to say anything, because I’m afraid he will get mad. I led him on by letting him kiss me, didn’t I? Acting like it’s just the most normal thing in the world, I signal for a stop at a bus stop that’s not really mine. The last thing I want is for this crazy drunk to follow me home. I get off, and I wait until I’m sure he’s going to stay on the bus. Then I walk a block or two in the wrong direction just to throw him off the track, before doubling back to go home.
That year, I graduate. After I graduate, I try changing my lifestyle. I am tired of being prim, proper and alone. I want to read immoral books, and do exciting things like drinking, and dancing, and going on dates. I want to have sex. It seems ridiculous to me that I should be over 22 and still a virgin. I look around for people to go out with. I tell my roommates that I’m tired of being alone and I want a boyfriend.
This is how I end up going out with Lin. Lin’s a friend of my roommate’s boyfriend Tanh. He’s Vietnamese, and kind of short. He’s cute, but not really the guy I’d have chosen if I were being picky. He comes over to see me, and it is clear very quickly that he’s not there to take me on a date. He’s just to have sex. I don’t care. Being a virgin is incredibly un-cool, it’s like the most embarrassing thing in the world. I’d rather have sex with this total stranger, than to keep on being one. So when Lin wants to kiss me, I let him. And when his kisses are really really boring, and I just sit there waiting for them to end the whole time, I tell myself that’s not important. Lin isn’t using me, I am using him. Because of him, I won’t have to be a virgin any more. So we kiss (and I am looking at my watch over his shoulder the whole time), and I let him touch my bare breasts. He sucks on them, which mostly sort of creeps me out. Then we go into my bedroom. I undress and get in bed. He gets in on top of me. He finds my hole and he tries to enter. I feel this push-push-push. There’s like this incredibly long time, and he’s still not inside me. All of a sudden I realize that I don’t want this, I really don’t! I tell him to stop, please, right now! I only find out later how lucky I am that he agrees, and goes home without trouble. After that, my period stops for four months. I think it’s because I am pregnant, but it turns out it’s just because I was dieting so hard that it stopped.
That winter another guy asks me out. He is tall and skinny, with badly cut hair. He wears a plaid short-sleeved polyester shirt and too-short jeans. I try to tell myself that he means it ironically, but I know that’s not really true. He likes to kiss me, with his mouth that tastes of tobacco. He laces his big fingers together with mine when we walk, which hurts, or puts his arm around me and wants to walk that way, so we both look like fools or 16-year olds. I don’t like him very much, but with him, I can tell people I have a boyfriend, so I let him stick around. I am relieved when he stops calling after we’ve been out a couple of times.
Then in the spring I go to an SCA event with my friend Katarina. Katarina is gorgeous, with lush, exotic lips, and beautiful wavy red hair. Being next to her I always feel like a pale, bland shadow, like no one is ever going to notice me when she’s around. I meet one boy at the event who as much as tells me that. He basically says he wants to go out with me because he knows Katarina won’t have him. I feel insulted, but I go out with him anyway. He calls himself Tom the Insipid, and he is the dumbest thing in the world. He is always making these horrible would-be jokes, like: I’m waiting for you with fish-sticks on my tongue, which is supposed to mean “I’m waiting for you with bated breath”. We go out once. We hang out and kiss and stuff a couple times more. Whenever he comes over I am horribly embarrassed, and hope no one will see me with him. I feel like I should be able to get somebody better than that, especially by my age. I can’t of course though, and at least it looks better having him, than if I’m just alone all the time.
I meet another guy at that same event. His SCA name is Vladimir, and his real name is Jacob. Jacob is as old as my father. He’s lean and fit-looking though, and in his SCA clothes he is still kind of hot-looking. When I go out with him, he also turns out to be pretty interesting, in an old-guy sort of way. I have fun talking to him, and he gives me good advice on a lot of different subjects. There are only a couple of problems with Vladimir: First of all, he likes kissing, not just on the mouth, but all over each others’ faces. I can pretty well stomach mouth-kissing with him, but when he wants me to put my tongue into his gross old-guy ear, that’s just disgusting. It makes me feel sick every time I do it. Also, it turns out that his SCA persona is kind of a pervert. First of all, he starts with all this about how he likes women to be mysterious. A woman in a mask really turns him on, and as for a woman in a full Muslim burqa, that’s like the hottest thing in the world. One time -- One time! -- I go to an SCA event masked, just for him. Boy, do I feel sorry afterward though, when he wants me to do it every time, and to listen while he talks on and on about the sexiness of masks, and finally tells me his secret ambition to go to an event wearing a masked woman’s costume himself. Later on, he makes himself a new, female persona. She wears masks a lot, and she’s a belly dancer. -- He really looks horrible when he tries to belly dance. It’s about that time when I hook Jacob up with this older lady I know named Ilene. Ilene’s a little strange, but she’s a nice person. And if she wants to deal with Jacob and his perverted fantasies and big hairy ears, she’s welcome to them as far as I’m concerned!
After that I start graduate school, and I am too busy for more dates for a long time. I am not really all that regretful.
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